The First
by RT4ever
Summary: The first ruined him for all others, fortunately for him she always had the power to save him and always would. S&B.


**AN: **I dislike Sonny nowadays. I needed to have a brief I can still love him if… This is it for me.

Just follows his train of thought and what I think should be happening, nothing too special.

I hope you enjoy it just the slightest bit. She's always had the power to save him and she always will...

* * *

**The First...**

There was a problem with getting it right on the first time.

Nothing else ever lived up to it again.

Try and try as you might, only pale reflections.

You switch between trying to live up to the hype that you sadly know is true about love and trying to forget it.

After all if you could just forget it, forget them, then you could be happy.

You fail though.

Time and time again.

And every time you fail you start to realize how easily you could have kept things right between you.

Too late to change the past though.

So you try again and fail.

Part of you blames yourself.

So many times anyone else would have been happy, but they'd never had what you had.

Never had that perfect person only to be found in your true love.

Not perfect in the way that they didn't leave their shoes in front of the door for you to trip over.

Not perfect in that they wouldn't endlessly complain when you were watching something they weren't interested in, even if they did it silently in their looks and actions.

Not perfect in any of the ways that the world defined perfect.

Perfect in ways only to you, only with them.

You let the imperfect ones go time and time again, but yet you cling, struggling that one day you'd be able to see them as such, but you never will.

They'll never understand though, they'll always see you as the flawed one and in some ways they are right. You are flawed because you understand love and see the abundant lack of it.

Then one day it shouldn't have happened.

One day you collide as you are trying to fix your wrongs.

The airport's private terminal, the rain's delayed everything so you're forced to remain indoors instead of breezing through as normal.

The meeting to convince people you aren't insane and are capable of running things once more is going to be delayed.

A business you tried to leave for her, a business you would have willingly left for her, in fact you had desperately wanted to.

Without her you hadn't really cared one way or another, but eventually that power became a solace to you.

You could pretend it made up for losing her. The power you'd once craved had cost you the most important thing in your life. The only one who made you feel normal and insane at the same time.

Your drug, not of choice, your first love.

You understand addiction because of her and know that no man made substance could ever be so strong.

And from the look in her eyes as her lips part in shock and your name slides off her lips. You know.

You know that while she could beat a man-made addiction hers to you is just as strong as yours to her. No time apart will ever break it.

Only a few scarce explanations reach your ears. A flying visit home. Short so to as avoid the temptation, you both know. Hitching a ride home on a corporate jet.

You slip off and it's desperate.

You're praying that your guards are good enough that they would have alerted you to anyone watching.

You're praying that they're trustworthy and won't sell you out for the money.

Mostly you're praying that she doesn't end up hurt again because of you. Or worse.

But mostly you aren't thinking just a mantra of 'thank god she's here.'

You tell her you love her and you need her throughout, she repeats the words.

Somewhere throughout it you realize there are tears, hers and your own. You find yourself kissing them and apologizing.

Apologizing repeatedly, profusely.

She shakes her head and tells you, 'it's okay.'

She always forgiven you, she's hated right along with her forgiveness, but it's always been there because it's like holding a grudge against your right side, you can't function without it.

Your hand is on the knob as you go to leave, you have to leave first because otherwise she will never have a moment to compose herself, to straighten the mess you will repeatedly make of her clothing if given the chance.

You turn back and it's a grinding kiss. All passion, no tenderness. You have to mark her, to brand her with your seal.

She is yours, just as you have always been hers.

No one can know though. You'll lose her forever if they do. You play along with your life just as you always have.

You're hoping to keep it light enough so you don't get taken up on your offers.

You realize you should tell your shrink, but can't risk it. Mental health be damned as long as she is around.

You slip away to buildings for meetings others think, but you turn out the door when they aren't looking and head for a car.

You've met her everywhere you can and are trying to think of something to save you both.

You pray for more time.

You pray to keep your secret safe.

You pray for the power to take out everyone keeping you from her.

You pray for a miracle. To God, to your mother, to Stone, to your sister, you pray.

For now though you're happy.

You want more, but you're happy with what you have.

More than happy, blissful.

You thought you needed things once upon a time to be happy. Power, respect, a house near a lake, a baby in her arms…

You were wrong though.

You just needed her.

The door opens and you realize you're not alone in the safety of your room and you realize your conversation with her must draw to an end.

"Uh yea I that sounds good, get back to me with more details," your voice carries through the phone to where she's curled up on her couch in New York, you'd been telling her how much you wanted to tuck her into bed, alongside you of course.

"Uh yea," she laughs and you can't help but smile even though you know you shouldn't, "I love you too Sonny."

You can see it perfectly in your head, those upturned lips, upturned in amusement to you, she always thinks you're silly or possibly an idiot, you've never quite figured that out. The dark hair that's gone forward as she's shaking her head at you because she never seems to tie it back. Her legs are tucked up into her and an arm is around them, she'll feel like she's being hugged, like you're there with her.

You want to whisper 'bye' and 'I love you' back, but you can't, you hang up and hope she isn't hurt.

"What can I do for you, Carly?" you ask.

"Who was on the phone?" her voice curt, her eyes distrusting.

"Uh," you begin teasing and then break into a smile, "no one that concerns you."

"That smile certainly didn't look like business," she starts in with, "were you talking to a woman?"

"You having some issues with Jax?"

"This has nothing to do with Jax," she starts getting defensive.

"Oh really, then why are you in my bedroom?"

You're scared of the day she takes you up on your offer; you've already pushed it too far. You know the reason you survived the longest with her. You got to forget, you got to be distracted with children.

You didn't see her blurry in the middle of the night and think it was another. You didn't wake up and look down to see a brunette head on your chest.

She allowed you some respite from the memories and the pain.

You love her, you truly do. It's simply different.

You would have been happy if you'd met her before, but you hadn't.

The girl on the docks spoiled you for all others.

You only have only option.

You pray.

* * *

Obviously as I was writing this I wanted to start with it being vague about who the person was and who they were talking about (hence the lack of he/she) before moving into reveal who they were and the other person. Sadly that can't happen in the world of FFN because well we tend to end up angry reading about people we dislike. :-P

I hope the story still worked for you at least a little bit.

Thanks for reading!


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